I was driving out to see a friend the other day, and as you do when you’re driving, I started thinking about Stuff. And I probed what I thought was a half-healed wound in me … you know, the kind you can’t resist trying to lift the scab off every now and then. I started to talk to Jesus and to say that whatever came or didn’t come of the situation was up to Him, it was all water under the bridge; and since His dealings in my life even in very painful scenarios have brought me nothing but growth, I would no longer dread or shun them. And to my utter surprise, when I looked at that wound, I found no infection left. And just for a few minutes, I touched a sensation I couldn’t remember ever feeling before: a soft, warm, smooth place in my soul. Finally I decided it must be peace. It was wonderful.
The songs we’ve been singing in church for a while started to open up for me.
“The freedom we know …” actually meant something other than being saved from sin and hell. If this feeling was what those songwriters were talking about, then no wonder they got excited. The sensation of this peace was indistinguishable from freedom – not in the sense of wide-open spaces, which is what I usually associate with freedom – but in the sense of utter wellbeing and absence of fear. I think maybe peace is a deeper kind of freedom than wideopenspacesness. This is the kind of freedom I could take to prison, should the world go to pot and I get arrested for my faith.
I started to think about all those things, linked in a circle: peace, freedom, absence of fear. And I began to see that as long as there are things that I fear, I will never be truly free. How can I claim to be ready to lay down my life for the Lord, if I am worried about what will become of my children? We might say, “It’s perfectly natural to worry about your children, or to fear a truck that’s speeding towards you, etc”. But I think He’s calling me beyond the natural, into a place where my trust in Him supercedes those things. Note, I do not claim to be there yet. A week later I had a panic about something else. Ha! Always curving on the learning. 🙂 All I can say is, I loved that sensation of peace, and I wonder if it’s something I can live in, if only I can gradually shed all my petty fears and learn the secret of being content. I suspect the first step is to quit chewing on the bones of yesterday. After a while the meat goes off, and chewing ’em will only make you sick. Forgetting what is behind, and straining towards what is ahead, I press on …
Like all of my stupendous revelations, and all my 3/4 organised projects, what’s hit me so far has definitely hit me, but I expect it will drive in even deeper on some future day. For some reason, God does that to me; I think I’ve hit the jackpot, and then six months later I find the thing I’m supposed to spend the money on, and then I REALLY hit the jackpot. I’m looking forward to it!